Painting Over My Insecurities
It has been a quiet busy week around here. For the last couple of days I was feeling a bit overwhelmed and uninspired. I was doing and doing without finishing anything, my ideas weren’t what I’d hoped and negative thoughts were affecting my day.
I put my sunglasses in a bag, took the car keys and desperately started driving. I left the house Tuesday afternoon just before 12:00 pm so I wouldn’t get stuck in the lunch hour traffic of the silicon valley. I knew that if that happened the Google maps estimated time would jump from 20 minutes to 50 minutes and I just needed to get far away from my laptop, that was it!
Leaving home early was a wise decision, I scored an amazing parking place in downtown Palo Alto, just in front of the art supplies store, this almost never happens to me. That made me smile.
I don’t remember even thinking about it, I went inside the store, looked around for a second and the next minute, I was paying for this huge 30” x 30” canvas.
I came back home and painted all Tuesday afternoon and night.
I sat down around 12:00 am feeling guilty for not getting any “real” work done. But just when I opened the laptop to start, the bright screen seem too annoying to endure, and once again, I couldn’t think of a way to start. i was just not feeling inspired.
I finally decided that it was time to go sleep. I left the paint, the brushes and the plastic bag that covered my dining table so I could start painting early in the morning. Just before getting under the covers, I ran excited to the living room to look again at that magnificent piece. I had all my hopes up that that piece ‘If I love it, tomorrow I will feel better about my work and my self and I will finish everything’
I check the piece again just to realize that I hated it!!! And even worse, I wasn’t feeling tired anymore….
I woke up and decided I was done feeling bad and then suddenly like in a cartoon, a light bulb popped up above my head. I knew what I wanted to do, I needed to repaint everything! As crazy as it sounds, I knew that starting again was going to make me happy. So, that is exactly what I did.
I took a shower to clean all the paint off my shoulders and out of my hair. I lit a new candle with a grapefruit smell, I even rearranged the furniture a little bit. It was raining and the morning look like it was already night, windy and dark. I opened my laptop, the bright screen said hello and then suddenly, I finally started erasing things from my “to do list”
It was 11:00 am and my new painting was looking great!
And then at night while I was deciding what to write for my next post, I thought that my sad and uninspired situation will make you feel better about yourself and that, will make me feel better about myself.
Not everyone feels happy and inspired everyday and I’m not an exception. Bad experiences can have a negative impact on my self esteem. Sometimes I just feel bad, sometimes I don’t have ideas, other times I just can’t concentrate. I normally beat the insecurities and distractions doing something different and new. Even my silly solutions, trying new makeup techniques, wearing high heels or wearing an unusual color combination are not 100% effective.
Those days when this empty feeling is strong, I just need a couple of hours for myself. How many times a day do I remember saying thanks to my body? or celebrating small triumphs? I needed some time for me, away from the phone, music, tv, just me and some color, stepping out of the situation and thinking again. And just when I discovered that what I was looking at horrible and unpleasant, I threw some paint on the situation and started over! It worked 😉